Wednesday August 5,2009

Good Morning! Yes it is early! However these are new days for me. My goals have come quicker and harder. I am done! When I say I am done, I am done! My life comes first. I have spent my life giving and thinking of others and it is a great spirit the Good Lord has blessed me with. I have made many contacts and numerous friends. I am lucky to have those who believe in me. However, I am extremely disappointed in those who haven't believed in me, considering they are my own family. I remember looking at wall paper wondering if that was going to be the last thing I saw before I die. The multiple trips I took to Mayo Clinic alone. The numerous Dr. Appointments, even drives to the emergency room. I remember being hospitalized with Mono so bad it turned into Toxic encephalopathy. Where my liver would no longer digest amino acids and release toxic levels of ammonia in my blood. All I remember was I am going to die. I remember the Meningitis in which I still get. The fevers ranging from 100 to 104 degrees. The pain I suffered, the weddings I missed. Wondering how was I going to get out of bed to get my medicine. The 3 years it took for me to get disability, the misdiagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis, which was Lupus which a potentially Life Threatening disease.

I have Fibromyalgia which is a sleep disorder where my brain never goes into stage IV sleep. My mail piling up and the anger and hostility that surrounded me. Not the loving caring people that were at my bedside. The complications of Pneumonia, chronic infections, allergies, shingles and everything I have suffered. Or the 165 lbs I gained within months of the onset of this disease. I remember people telling me oh well a girl at work has your disease and she works. Or how I needed to go on State Aid. Well in the State of Illinois if you always have health insurance and you exhaust all your Cobra they have to offer you health insurance through ICHIP-Illinois Comprehensive Health Insurance Plan. I remember those who stuck by me in those times. My relatives that didn't have much, like my aunt Maureen, who said no matter what we will figure it out. How my father who was absent through out my life stepped in. He took me to the hospital. He didn't scream at me, make me feel as though it was my fault and I needed to fix it.

The irony is when I lost 135 lbs, had plastic surgery I received cards some with gift cards. People would take pictures. So much support. I felt so proud. Wow I did something right. A life were I never did anything right, I now have done something right. I worked hard and did my best. People, cousins spoke to me in a different manner. People in general spoke to me as though they cared what I said. Well that was long gone. Then when I got sick I can only remember maybe 2 at my bedside. Coming by, or my grandmother from Florida sending Cards and an angel of healing to me. My Aunt Maureen calling me. The rest of my family jumped off the ban wagon.

Why do I say this now. Because it has been hard for me lately. I have chosen to "officially" go back to work part-time. This time I have a mission. I work for great people and I am determined to succeed. I have a love for my mother no one could ever know. I would give my life for her. Right now my plan is to move up and out. Away from all those who don't support me. Yes I know I need to "hold a job" and that I am capable of. I will succeed. Instead of positive support I feel as though I get negative support. My family doesn't agree with me ok. So we disagree. So what, your not going to respond to me, answer my calls, basically disown me. Than fine. You have no clue as to what I have in store and who I network with. I will be damned if anyone will bring me down. I have no meaness or malicious intent. IF I have to end up working 3 jobs I will. Little do they know I also have 4 big exams now. Well guess what, a college degree is just a punch card. In life it's all in who you know. It shows now. I am a hard worker with a heart of Gold. I have 2 very dissevering friends who live with me, who help take care of me and my mother. This is the happiest I have ever seen her. When I move I will not abandon her. I will probably see and talk to her more. Thank you to all who have supported me. For those who haven't well good luck in the future. I have nothing to apologize for. I deserve a good life and not to brought down. I don't need any negative thoughts or words. All I need is encouragement and love. I purge this from my soul so I never need to go back and relive this again. It is forward from here on out. This is me and I will succeed and no one will take that from me. I believe in goodness, I believe in a higher God and he is Great!

With this being said, pick our friends wisely, and live life to the fullest. If we want it bad enough we will get it. Let me say to all those who have sent me e-mails of discouragement, Thank You. You have even more so encouraged me to move on with my life. I hope everyone is able to pursue there dreams without falling victim to fear or abandonment. Right now I am listening to James Blunt You're Beautiful! It gives me solitude and reminds me of a special person that gives me the strength and confidence to move towards my dreams. Everyone have a great day and enjoy something that YOU love! OH YES and one last thing, feel free to register as a follower and make comments. This is a blog, please make comments, I thank those who do! Thats what I like, comments, conversation. I know since it is public you don't need to register to read, but do to make comments. Cheers!

Love,

Sarah

(all quotes come from Open Your Mind. Open your Life!)

"Focus on the positive in your life, for what you focus on increases."

"We can try many ways to get rid of the darkness, but none is as effective as simply increasing the light."

"Wisdom, courage and compassion-three essential elements to a noble life."